I'm so disgusted with myself right now. I just watched 3 hours of Bridezillas and LOVED it. Somebody help me and my horrible taste in television. But come on. One of the girls made all her bridesmaids gain weight.

I see so many bad parents. Impatient parents. Parents who had kids before they were ready. I was at my sister's bridal shower and some of my relatives were there with their kids. It made my stomach turn to see the way they treated and talked to their kids so I completely took over and asked them if it was OK if I just babysat them a little during the shower. They were grateful and even though my positive attitude is from NOT having a kid, I'd like to think I'd be able to look beyond my own frustration to be patient enough with my future kid/children to teach them how to grow. Not threaten them or get mad at them for doing things they don't even understand.

And I guess watching hours of the Real Housewives of New Jersey where moms are teaching their kids that objects and money get you happiness is really grossing me out.

Also, I have a horrible headache which is making me grumpy. So grumpy that I might just cry from spilling all this hot tea on my love seat. Damn you, Sundays.

The last day and a half I've been trying to catch up on my full DVR. It was 89% full from 2 weeks of not being home. I finally watched the end of Lost and am now blasting through Daily Show. I just deleted all the American Idol since I know who won. And here's where my TV weakness is going to come through... how are people feeling about Fashion Show? Project Runway doesn't start up until August.... on LIFETIME. Gah. Insulting. Anyway, Fashion Show thumbs up? Thumbs down? And is it worth it to watch the 6 hours of ALF I have on my DVR?

I once thought heaven was a make believe place where the floors were clouds and the walls were lined with dead famous writers and young junkie Hollywood stars. But no. Heaven is the Saddle Rack. A country western bar situated secretly in the middle of an industrial park next to a granite cutting warehouse and a trunk rental place. This bar is not just any bar. Its three bars with a mechanical bull, barber chair (faster alcohol intake), nacho bar, hot dog bar, pool tables, oxygen bar, line dancing floor, dance floor, stage and a cage. To top it off, most of the patrons wear cowboy hats and/or cowboy boots and/or a really tight pair of Wrangler jeans.

This is all worth the $10 cover fee. My friend Melinda, who now lives in San Diego, emailed me almost a month ago to make sure I'd be in town so we could go to our favorite oasis. We got there early to get the cheap cover (goes up to $20 after 9pm) and for a quick drink before we grabbed dinner. Not five minutes into our first (disgusting) gin and tonic, an older man walked up to us and said, "I gotta sit next to the prettiest ladies in the place." Melinda said, "OK that's fine but we're both in relationships and not interested." I elbowed my way in and asked this man 20 questions. Why did you come here? Are you single? Do you usually find success with women at places like this? Did you know that wearing a jean jacket and a pair of jeans is called the "Texas tux"?

Thus began my social experiment. I don't go to this place for the amenities or to listen to (awful) country music or for the men (never for the men). I go to this place to people watch, ask people frank questions and dance like Elaine from Seinfeld. Melinda is a fabulous dancer who line dances while I sit by myself watching girls trying to be sexual on the mechanical bull as they get tossed off. We took some shots and danced on the big floor.

Without fail the sharks smelled the blood in the water: two girls dancing without a man. Last night there were 4 sharks who would circle around the floor and grab the hands of women and grind up against them. Whenever the sharks come around, Melinda and I would politely dance them off of us and turn around. Occasionally we'd find a shark who was a fun dancer who just wanted to dance like a fool too. Those people we let stick around for longer, then when they ask our names we'd say, "My name is Brenda." or "My name is Lala." and then dance away mysteriously. Minutes before leaving I heard someone call out, "Lala! Lala!" Melinda turned around to see one of the sharks waving her over to do the foot loose line dance with him. She couldn't resist. I, on the other hand, started a conversation with a very drunk, big girl who was wearing a shirt that exposed her midriff. "I wear this shirt because, well, I don't give a fuck what people think! And I usually end up going home with a hot guy when I do." I told her I couldn't imagine actually taking someone out of Saddle Rack and to my home. She said, "Honey, I do it all the time. When the cowboy hat comes off, the freak comes out." Nothing could top that moment, so I grabbed Melinda after the song and we left.

You never disappoint, Saddle Rack.

I've realized lately, things have changed. I feel directive. I'm in new skin and I've grown. I feel different, but good. Really good. This time, I know what I want:

I want to buy a house with a backyard.
I want to be surrounded by love, intelligence, peace, good food and wonderful people.
I want to be loved and love somebody whimsically, beautifully and fully.
I want to one day realize I lived my dream and no body else's.
I want to look back and see myself as a strong, resilient woman.

All I have to do is make it happen. Easy peasy.

Was Screech from Saved By the Bell suppose to be "mentally challenged"?

I'm watching that episode where they are all in the Zack Attack band. Why isn't Jessie in this one?

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Now I'm excited to fly Southwest to Vegas.

Awkward!